A New Year

Image365 days have passed yet again. This time it seems it has went by faster than any other, which now I shall expect for each year to come.

This year has been full of great memories. It has been the year of change for my life.
In January, I was dating who I thought was the love of my life. (Could’ve never been more wrong!) I had been dating him through high school and the first year of college. Three years is a long time for someone my age! I thought we could work through our differences, but sometimes it’s best to beat it with a stick and be done. I found out after the break up about his decietful lies. His friends soon told me about his numerous cheating incidents. I guess it’s hard to actually know someone. He wasn’t who I thought or who I wished he was, nothing like who I saw him to be. Needless to say we broke up 5 days before our three year anniversary.
I left myself a bit of recovering time and began hanging out with someone new. He was everything I ever wanted. (HAHAHAHA!) I thought. I figured out this year that I didn’t know myself as I thought I did. I guess after focusing on learning about yourself for so long, you forget to focus on yourself. He was a big Bible reader, but little did I know that was all he did. He appeared to be well dressed and someone great to bring home to mom. Soon, I found out that he had been arrested for simple battery by his most recent ex. It was really hard to believe coming from someone who had a good job and seemed to have their life together. So like I was saying, he only read and remembered scripture because he never acted the part. Well, he did at first. It soon changed though with his verbal violence. It ended quickly.
During all of this I am a college student and a manager at a local restaurant. I work full time and juggle the idiots I’m choosing to deal with. I also must include that I am extremely bad with change & I take everything to heart. Emotionally, I guess you could say that I’m not handling all of this well.
After trying to recover from this, I find someone that I feel like I can trust and will take care of me. So I’m finally in a stable relationship I can actually feel confident in. A little over half of this year has been spent with him. Thank God! Call it pathetic, or whatever you feel, but I feel like I need to always have someone. I know I’m wrong, but it just makes me feel needed & I like that.
Three months later, me and my girl best friend get into an argument. We were rocky anyways. She never listened to me & did have some mental disorder that probably had a lot to do with it. I loved her so much and even today I miss her… I just find it better that I’m not close to someone who is 20x more emotionally unstable than I am.
In October, I get a new job working as a receptionist at a doctor’s office. On my first day, I passed out at the sight of blood, something I’ve never previously had a problem with. Since I was going to school for health care, my plans seemed to have went down the drain. My career plan was in a pickle because while working at the doctor’s office I felt unsure that I wanted to deal with sick people for the rest of my life. I finally decided to change my major like most other college students do. Accounting would be my new career choice.
That same month I also decide to get out of the food industry and find another job that would actually give me experience in something useful to me later in life. I found a job at a local college that I enjoy. I’m much happier going to work, finally.
I find out at the end of the year my father figure has made the decision to get married. Facebook is a great way to find out about your new step mom & siblings, right? I’m over that. He’s never been there anyways. It’s sad when your own father tells you he left your mother alone & with no support because he knew your grandfather would never let anything happen to you. Pretty sorry, so he’s no longer a part of my life.

So, 2013 has been a happening year for me. I cannot express how thankful I am for all the changed I have made to my life. It has been hard to cope with all of them. I only made it through the year with a handful of people that love me & care for me unconditionally. I’ve learned that that’s all I could ever ask for anyways. My guy best friend has been so wonderful and kind to me. I’m thankful for who and what I do have. Bring it on 2014! I’m ready for your challenged, I think… 🙂

 

A Source of Anxiety: Daily Prompt

Like an ocean,
My mind is always in motion.

For those things around me may be silent,
Thoughts trudging around can’t seem to be quiet.

My worries are like a water fall,
Cascading like a never ending haul.

My brain’s thoughts race,
Along never ending spoils of lace.

I can’t make them stop,
Like a potato I wish I could chop.

Everyone finds something to be anxious for,
In my case, I’m  anxiously tore.

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Liar, Liar….

PANTS ON FIRE!

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That’s exactly what I think of as I think of you at the moment. It may sound immature/childish, or whatever you want to call it, but it’s better than a few choice words I could think of right about now, think of it as a blessing.

I wish you knew how hard I try to make/keep everything perfect & easy for the both of us. I’ll never understand how things can be so one-sided at time. It’s like one person is doing everything right, literally everything. You look at the other person, & they don’t care what they do. They do what they want to do whether it’s going to hurt you or not. 

Why is it so hard to be honest? Has everyone in our society forgotten about the value of that word. I find it extremely important in a relationship. No one wants to be with a liar, or maybe I’m wrong, since I often find myself with one. It’s so aggravating that no one can make something simple. I don’t want to fight constantly in a relationship. All I want is someone to compliment me as an individual.

On another note, I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. I mean, there are 7 billion people in the world. I just wish that things would flip around the way they’re supposed to be instead of turning upside down right before my college finals. How lucky am I? 🙂 Haha.

My Best Friend >

I would just like to take a few minutes to tell everyone how much I love my best friend. We’ve literally been through everything together, which I’m sure is what everyone else who has a best friend says. Mine is better though, simply because I have the best one. 

I haven’t had a best friend of a lifetime; I wish I did. I wish I would’ve met mine sooner. I actually went through quiet a few that I thought would always be there for me no matter what. Lucky for me, it only took me three to get to #1.

  • My childhood best friend I found in elementary school. She was wonderful. I was always at her house, or she was at mine. We pretty much were always together. Nothing ever really went wrong, we just grew apart as the years grew. After she decided that she wanted to be homeschooled, we barely even talked.
  • My next best friend was there for me through so much. We were a lot closer of course & literally spent every weekend together getting into something. Usually it was nothing big since I’m a home body anyways. She gave me the best advice I’ve ever gotten & we always listened to each other. This friendship ended because of her confusion of sexuality. I don’t have anything against those with who like the same sex, it’s just usually you just know. She suddenly decided this & soon after decided that she did like the opposite gender. I’m not sure what stirred this up… So it kind of pushed me away.
  • The last best friend I had was so much fun! We went to the lake together, park, took pictures, did everything best friends do. She helped me learn my way around college & was there for me for most of the hardest times of my life. Her disorder got the best of her though. She only wanted to talk about herself & never wanted to listen to me. Her bipolar disorder made it hard for me to wrap my mind around her suicidal thoughts. She also suffered from depression & anxiety. These things made it hard for me & her to keep our relationship without constant fuss about things that didn’t even matter.

With that spill of my best friends that I easily went through, I really think that I have finally found someone who I can love unconditionally & share everything with. He is the best. I said HE, yes. I never in a million years thought I would get along so well with someone of the opposite gender. & no, he isn’t my boyfriend, although I do also consider my boyfriend a best friend. 

Getting to my rant, everyone around me thinks he’s gay. Literally, everyone. My mom, boyfriend, & all of our ex coworkers would come to me & ask. Like really? So I’m the only one who ever hears that he’s gay. He doesn’t even know people ask me. I feel like he’d get offended. No, I don’t think he’s gay. Not once has he ever talked about a guy to me, only girls. It’s odd I know, but I think it’s just the way he talks. It’s pretty annoying I must admit. I just haven’t decided if I should always keep this to myself, or eventually tell him to bring up the topic. It’s kind of making me wonder myself. I don’t have a problem with it, cause like I said, I love him unconditionally. It’s just I’m not sure if I’m in denial or if they’re seeing something I’m not.

I guess no matter what happens or what I decide, I’ll love him either way. I just wish these people would shut up. Is that too much to ask for? Or better yet mind their own business. His business is only my business anyways. Ha! 🙂 I’m selfish, I must say. 

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Emotional State

For a long time I’ve thought that I have emotional problems. I never can handle how I feel except by crying.. This is an advantage to me because it gives me a way to feel relief, but it can also be kind of embarrassing at times. I sometimes can’t control my tears no matter where I am it seems.

I feel sometimes I also cry spontaneously just thinking about things from the past. It’s like something comes up in my head and I can’t get rid of the thought. I think about things that I have been through that are painful to me. It is a proven fact that our minds remember the bad events we go through more so than the better ones.

What makes me bring this whole topic up is today. Today I found myself crying to my wonderful boyfriend. I feel like I’m just the type of person that takes everything to heart. “I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it’s turning black” is lyrics from a song I heard on the radio not long ago. I feel like I Actually, I know am the worlds worst at holding grudges. My family has always taught me that forgiveness is good. I just feel like when you’ve been through all the things I’ve been through it makes it a little bit harder. I’ve kicked family members out of my life because I felt that it was the best decision and least stressful thing to do. This makes me feel like it’s not hard for me to easily push others out of my life that aren’t blood especially. 

So anyways, about my boyfriend. He works in a department where it is hard for him to get sleep & work & have time for me during the holidays. I understand. He holds an important position at his work place & is highly thought of. It really wears on me when I feel like I’m not important. I’m not trying to be selfish, or unthoughtful of his needs.. It just makes me feel pushed to the side or neglected in a way. I know that he loves me & cares for me it has just been a challenge for me to accept this for what it is. I’m not even sure if that makes since at all, I’m just trying to let out emotion somewhere that doesn’t affect anyone else.

Today I completely broke down on him because we haven’t seen each other much & I feel as though he hasn’t been making all the effort he should. I feel bad, but then again, I feel like he doesn’t understand why it upsets me. Now this makes me question myself as to if I should have even said anything.. Which it really wasn’t an option since my emotional state is hard for me to control. 

I think going to the gym would help my anxious self. But at the moment, I am also sick so this just doesn’t seem like a good plan. So now I face the battle of facing this on my own, bringing me here, to vent.

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Pregnancy

My grandmother once said that pregnancy is the most beautiful time of your life, simply because you have life inside of you. 

That is one of the few things me and her actually agree on. She is very right though. Although I have not had any children of my own, and do not plan to anytime soon, it astounds me of those who suddenly care or completely disown you. I’m sure that this has a lot to do with age of course, since teen pregnancies really aren’t accepted and most of the time are not healthy. I find it so interesting to look on my FB just to see those that all of a sudden seem obsessed with the mutual pregnant woman/girl.

I will tell you that I live in the Bible Belt. So most people around here believe in abstinence, although most do not seem to actually go through with their belief. Kind of hypocritical I will admit.

The popularity of course starts when the news hits the social network about how they’re announcing this blessing. Either you like this or you don’t, but most of the time after the baby is born you find yourself looking to see how this person is doing. Yeah, we’re nosey. Nothing can really be kept quite in a small town. It is odd to me also how even if we could keep quiet, we decide to announce the things like we’re in an auditorium. 

I understand the pride that most have in their children, and you should. It’s just, please if you’re underaged, I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss how you have no money and then go buy things all the time.. Your child should have first priority & if you’re having sex you should be old enough to know what that can do and be responsible for your actions.

It’s absolutely heart breaking to me that fathers & mothers do not want to take care of their children like they should. They’re more concerned about themselves. It’s selfish. That’s a completely different topic in itself though, so for now, here is my rant about southern pregnancy.

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